bad

These few words have been in my mind for years. ' No committment, no winnings'. That was what the past three years i have been focusing on. Putting my heart and soul into every trainings i had. Improving everything that i have trained.

Yes i miss music. i miss my band up till today. Having times when my fingers were running like mad to create a nice music. My fingers have retired since Os. They have stop running for notes. I am really tempted to pick up the french horn again. Lets not face reality for a moment. i hoped.
But i guess i dont have any choices at all.

Apart from music. i have truly found a sport. That is none other than dragonboat. i remembered sintek asking me : " where and how is your brother?'' , i told him, '' i don't know, we communicate everything except for dragon boat''. i felt so sad after saying that. we stayed under the same roof, we joined the same sport. we went to the same location but we drive different car. we seldom talk stuff about dragonboat and never once he support or give me any encouragement.
Times when we brush each others shoulder, we will never speak or eye contact each other. How bad was it? you tell me?

He never thinks highly of me at all. i have a feeling that i am a piece of shit to him. no matter how many i do for pull ups, how fast i run, he will never give a damn shit about me. How much i hope he will say : " all the best". i'll definitely be high in the sky. he is a sportman himself, and he shld know that encouragements are impt. But i'm misssing that from him. i emphasis, i joined this sport NOT because of his influence. Its purely passion and interest.

improving myself is not only for the team but also to PROVE to my bro that i'm fit. ( but he don't give a damn care about me la) so sad. But i'll still push to my maximum or even beyond.

i got no idea what is going on between us.

and i know my mother is upset why my brother don't share things with her. even going overseas, my bro will always inform her at the last min or the day before . she got no chance to see him around at home, and she don't want to ask him about anything until he approach her.
this is so bad.

no one at home really saw my mum's upset times except for me. ( i'm always at home most of the times)

this is bad.